Sometimes you hold me in such a way that I feel safer and more secure in that moment than I ever have in my whole life. Sometimes you tell me I’m cute or that I’m pretty when I know I look awful and yet know (with just as much certainty) that you really, truly mean it. Sometimes I just look at you and force myself to imagine my life without you and then force back the tears that nearly flow as a result. Sometimes I just love you more than I’ve ever loved anyone and more than I ever thought it was possible to love another human.
And, I’d be certain that you were the one if you didn’t upset me and anger me and irritate me like you do.
Sometimes I fantasise about smashing your head in once you’ve riled me up to the max. Sometimes I want to say nasty and vicious things with the sole intention of hurting you because for whatever silly reason you’re hurting me. Sometimes I just want to spice up my life and flirt with another man, feel another guy in bed and kiss another guy’s lips.
Sometimes, the fact we are so serious scares me. Sometimes I play this game with myself where I switch off my emotions, refuse to remember our history and just see you at face value…and sometimes I wonder if you’re really all that.
Are you the one? I don’t really know. How does anyone? Perhaps if I’m even asking that question then you can’t possibly be?
I had a pregnancy scare a couple of days ago and where with previous partners I would have panicked and not known how to deal with it. This time, it was different. We calmly spoke, you assured me you’d be there and we looked at more realistic housing prospects for a potential child. I just knew that somehow we’d cope. That’s got to be a good sign surely?
I’ve reached a point where I’ve accepted you for you. I know you’ll never be the most generous guy in the world. I know you’ll never be super intelligent or interesting. I know you’ll storm off in an argument and always exacerbate it. But I also know that you make me laugh and that you do lots of little thoughtful everyday things for me. I know that you make a point of telling me you love me everyday and that nobody’s cuddles are as good as yours.
Maybe finding the one isn’t about attaining perfection. Maybe it’s just a matter of finding someone who makes us happy. We have our ups and downs but ultimately I’ve got a good guy.
How can I ever be sure that my Mr Right isn’t just around the corner? I’m still young. Maybe I’m about to meet the man who’ll tick all but a few of my boxes. With my current guy I’ve taken a hit on things I previously valued. If it were a numbers game my current guy falls short on looks, career prospects, savings, aspirations. Love is about compromise but am I compromising too much? Who knows.
I don’t know whether I’m wasting my precious years on someone and something mediocre for me or whether it’s a slow burner and actually the cards I’ve been dealt are a good one. I don’t know just yet if he’s the one– does anyone know if they’ve found theirs?